What the Hell is Going On?
by Bedtime-Beary
Summary: Jess' thoughts after he leaves the Gilmore's in 'Let Me Hear Your Balalaikas Ringing Out' until he starts yelling at Rory outside the restaurant.  Jess centric


A.N. It's almost 4 am and this popped into my head. So please point out any major mistakes I make if I don't catch them, would just really love some feedback on this. Know Jess is my favorite character, and I always wondered what went on in his head. This was originally just going to be about what he thought of Rory at her grandparents house, but that would have been too short and I wanted to explore some other moments. I do not own Gilmore Girls or Milo Ventimiglia (though I wish I did!) so no one sew me!

**What The Hell Is Going On?**

Jess' first thought as he silently closed the iron gate behind him shot threw him like lightning 'whoever that was, it wasn't Rory' and the realization that his beacon of light had faded left him feeling numb. She had changed his life, he had become something because of her. The beautiful small town girl who studied so much that sometimes he just wanted to tear her books apart was gone, and in her place a pampered, rich women who went to (god help him) functions, and had specific dresses for them!

Walking down the street was mindless. A task that took no effort, thankfully, as his mind was spinning. 'Why hadn't Lorelai done something?' 'What happened to make her this way?' the questions were endless. Plus he had to go see her again before he left, because his mouth just couldn't stay shut. "Stupid big mouth" he grumbled as he walked into the lobby of the hotel and pushed the button for the elevator. He needed a really hot shower and a deep sleep, he thought to himself, 'maybe then things will seem better in the morning.

He never got to sleep. Oh he knew he should, he still had a lot of bargaining to do, to get The Subsect in stores. The problem was he had memories whirling and twirling around in his head and he couldn't get them to stop. It was like watching a movie of Rory.

Their first kiss, he could feel it. Having her in his arms for the first time and his lips on hers. The way she ran after and how it broke his heart to watch her go. How he swore to himself that he wouldn't tell anyone because that's what she wanted and he would do anything she asked.

The night on the bridge, where she finally admitted to liking him after the disastrous break up with Dean ( oh how he hated Dean). How hard it was to walk away, to break up with Shane instead of staying on that bridge and holding her close.

Her telling him she was going to Yale, those big blues eyes shining, looking so happy. Being happy for her even though all he wanted to do was beg her not to leave, thinking that they'd be miles and miles apart. Sitting at the computer in the school library the next day and realizing it really was only 22.8 miles, but that was still way too far.

Learning he wasn't going to graduate and couldn't take her to the prom. It was then that he realized he'd failed her, he tried to keep it locked inside, but he snapped. He remembered Kyle's party, and the feelings that rushed threw him at the feeling of her under him. Then how stupid and evil he felt when she left the room crying.

The joy of seeing her when he got his car, and then not being able to control what came out of his mouth as he told her he loved her. Walking away at that moment was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he knew there was something better then him out there for her. Though to this day she was the only girl he's ever said it too, and he knows that she'll be the last.

Yesterday though, that was the worst of them all. She'd changed too much. Become rich and lived with her grandparents. She wasn't in school, she'd worked so hard, it wasn't right. Laying there, in his cheap hotel room Jess did something he hadn't done in years. He cried himself to sleep.

The blonde dick, as Jess had so nicely dubbed him, was sitting across from him with an arm around Rory (HIS RORY!) and there was nothing he could do but sit there and look at that stupid arm.

"So you're a writer Jack" the dick said, and it took Jess every ounce of self preservation he had to answer civilly, as this was Rory's boyfriend, and he'd do anything for Rory… at least that's what he kept reminding himself. So he sat there, and let himself be torn apart because it's what she wanted.

'It's what she wants, It's what she wants' The mantra was like a broken record in his head, 'it's what she wants, it's what she wants' and it worked… until it stopped, and he couldn't do this anymore. Not even for Rory.

He was actually annoyed when he heard her call out for him as he was leaving. He had no ties to this girl anymore. Yes he would always love her, and yes he would always think of her as his, but in a different time, when she was the real her.

As she stood there and made excuses for her boyfriend, he absentmindedly answered. Everything they'd done flashing threw his head. Walking in the snow, the black eye, all the town gossip about them. He only saw her, the bright girl who always had a book in her purse. He looked down and realized her purse would never fit a book… hell, it was even a Burkens bag. That purse, that designer, and her rambling was effecting him, and he was loosing control in a way he hadn't in a couple years… 'This is it' Jess thought, he could feel himself about to explode…

"What the hell is going on?"….

A.N. So that's my random 4 in the morning one shot, hoped you liked it and please review! J

Yours till lights out,

Bedtime-Beary


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